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 Post subject: What do you think?
PostPosted: Sat Jul 01, 2006 3:32 am 
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I recently suscribed one of my writings to a fictional writing contest on a German site.

I would give you a link to the website, but I feel that giving out one of my website alias's and being that the site is in full fleged German, I will post it here in both English and German.

And I'll repeat, the top is the German original so for those of you whom speak German and want the better written version, you can look at that. As for the English version... Meh, it was written just so you English-pref people would know what the hell I was talking about.

Tell me what you think and enjoy :):


Auf Deutsch:

Die Schmerz fangen an, in der Lache zu erneuern, die mein Missgeschick ist. Wie ein scharfes Messer schneidet es in meine schießenden Schmerz des Kastens durch meinen Körper. Dieses ist die Krankheit, daß ich Unvollkommenheit benenne. Seitdem meine Kreation, die ich unter diesem gelitten habe, mein Körper, der mit dem Gedanken von ihm verfällt.

Kalte Tropfen des Wassers fallen von den Sprüngen in oben celing auf meinen Kopf. Hinter Gedächtnissen und zukünftigen Konflikten fließen Sie meinen Verstand als Gedanken durch. Türen, die in den Tiefen meines Verstandes verschlossen blieben, wurden langsam eins nach dem anderen entriegelt. Diese Gedanken fügten der Geisteskrankheit hinzu, die langsam nach innen von mir aufbaute. Aufgebaute Energie, die floß scheinbar natürlich durch meine Adern, mich verursacht, um heftig zu schlagen. Die Fesseln, die mich verschoben in der Luft hielten, fingen an, in meine Handgelenke zu schneiden.

Aber ich glaubte nichts...

Plötzlich glänzten die einzige Tür, das zu die Außenseite führen, die geöffnet ist und das helle Licht, wenn sie mich squint meine Augen veranließen. Ich zwang meine Augen nach der Tür und beachtete das Schattenbild einer Person, die ich nicht erkannte.

"Es war, sobald besagt, daß niemand einen Geist sich verfangen konnten, ein phanton. Aber wem would've schätzte, daß ich haben würde, nahm ein Tag ihn."gefangen

Ich erkenne diese Stimme. "Blaz..." Ich sagte mit, welcher kleiner Stimme ich hatte. "Ich tötete Sie..."

"Aber, Sie können nicht mich töten. Wir sind praktisch Brüder. Die einzige Person, die mich getötet haben könnte, war unser Schöpfer. Nun da Sie um ihm kümmerten, bin ich unbesiegbar."

Die Versicherung in seiner Stimme bildete mich Gefühl besser über meine Vernunft. "Ich sollte Sie getötet haben, als ich hatte die Wahrscheinlichkeit."

Er geht in Richtung zu mir, seiner jackel-wie das Lächeln, das so hell ist wie das Licht, das noch innen glänzt. "Sorgen Sie sich nicht, ich bildet Sie Reue, die."

Der Türknall, der geschlossen werden und das Gefühl des Frachtzugs, der mit meinem Kiefer zusammenstößt, klopft mich heraus. Eine schwarze Schwärzere als die Schwärzung, die den Raum füllte, überwand mich...



In English:

The pain begins to resurface in the pool which is my adversity. Like a sharp knife, it cuts into my chest shooting pain through my body. This is the disease that I call imperfection. Ever since my creation I have suffered from this, my body decaying with the very thought of it.

Cold drops of water fall from the cracks in the celing above onto my head. Past memories and future conflicts flow through my mind as thoughts. Doors that remained locked in the depths of my mind were being slowly unlocked one by one. These thoughts added to the insanity that slowly built up inside of me. Built up energy, that seemingly flowed naturally through my veins, caused me to thrash violently. The shackles that kept me suspended in the air began to cut into my wrists.

But I felt nothing...

Suddenly, the only door that lead to the outside opened and bright light shined in causing me to squint my eyes. I forced my eyes upon the door and noticed the silhouette of a person I did not recognize.

"It was once said that no one could catch a ghost, a phanton. But who would've guessed that I would have one day captured him."

I recognize that voice. "Blaz..." I said with what little voice I had. "I killed you..."

"But, you can't kill me. We're practically brothers. The only person that could have killed me was our creator. Now that you took care of him, I'm invincible."

The reassurance in his voice made me feel better about my sanity. "I should've killed you when I had the chance."

He walks towards me, his jackel-like smile as bright as the light that still shines in. "Don't worry, I'll make you regret that."

The door slams shut and the feeling of the freight train colliding with my jaw knocks me out. A black blacker than the darkness that filled the room overcame me...


Tell me what you think guys.

~Silentcrisis

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 01, 2006 7:41 am 
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The poetry's BORRRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGG..... nice to read something in German though, although I read about a line or two. :P

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 01, 2006 3:59 pm 
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that sounds more like a short story than a poem but good nontheless

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 02, 2006 8:40 am 
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Well like I said, I only read like a line or two. :P

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 4:16 am 
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I didn't intend on it being a poem, or for any of you to take it as one. :?

Did I say it was one.

Anyways, it's just the beginning of a story that I'm writing for a contest.

~Silentcrisis

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 7:24 am 
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Yes Silent, we know how you are with Hitler, you were like buddies, but on to more pressing matters, nice story, try not to go anywhere with it, if you do, remember you know me. :D

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 4:48 pm 
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Shiro013 wrote:
Yes Silent, we know how you are with Hitler,


No, I don't know... If you say I'm at all tied with some Nazi bastard just because I speak German, your crossing the line a bit there freund.

~Silentcrisis

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 03, 2006 5:00 pm 
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By crossing the line.. if you havent heard.. we despise mentioning the term "N@Z1" and anything that has to do with it. Especially if it reffers to another person in the forums.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 8:21 am 
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Silentcrisis wrote:
Shiro013 wrote:
Yes Silent, we know how you are with Hitler,


No, I don't know... If you say I'm at all tied with some Nazi bastard just because I speak German, your crossing the line a bit there freund.

~Silentcrisis


I'm sorry Mr. Silent, lol, Nazi bastard, thats funny, your soooooo cute!!!!!! Uhhh, sorry, lost control over my brain, yeah, I got a side for everything, I was in fascist mode when I said that, now I'm in explaining mode, I believe sorry mode is next, nope wait, hellloooooooo!!! :D How are you all today!!
Oh umm sorry Silent, didn't mean it as racist or anything, besides if I did call you a Nazi for speaking German, I'd have to say it to myself as well. Ha, fascist mode. :P Now Xeno here, he's another matter, I bet he's on Mussolini's side *stares at for a second* nope, nevermind....... (quick, name a Canadian leader guy!!) Ok, we'll stick with France for the moment, he's an Elizabeth person, LONG LIVE THE QUEEN I bet he says. :P

Oh and btw, it's friend, just so you know.

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2006 12:05 pm 
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For Queen and Country! no point in saying long live the queen we all know she's been alive for so long. Just like the many other people who were somewhat involved in the Great World War and Second World War, those who werent shot live so long.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:24 am 
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Ha, it was orriginally said as for king and country by spies, but just adapted to Queen and Country as well.

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:29 am 
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well since there is no king, what can we do? But canada really isnt that much in to monarchy, the queen just somehow represents as a figure for both canada and uk

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 8:00 am 
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Yes yes, we all know, the Queen is the money maker while the Prime Minister does all the work. Reminds me of that guy on that Lakewood church or whatever it is, don't watch it, but sometimes I stop and see him, makes me think of the Prime Minister, lol. :P :mrgreen: :|

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2006 12:20 pm 
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acctuall, the queen doesnt do anything just represent both nations. The PMs do most of the work for the entire country,but its the premiers of each province that actually does the work because the PM is only there to decide for all the provinces/states.

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2006 9:44 am 
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Yes... It's like the president acts under all the states basically, the president does very little, it's the state government that does most the work, plus Bush is an idiot and does nothing anyway. :P I'm sorry, we didn't really do anything about English government, I know what I know and all I was saying is that the prime minister does mroe than the queen, I wasn't going into detail. -_-

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